Just a conceited post.

I find myself being very annoying to people lately. It’s not a good feeling. I just like talking to people. Or at least certain people whom I enjoy talking to. I can’t help it. I talk a lot. Too much I am finding. This is why I shouldn’t text people. People tend to like me better in person. I don’t always talk as much in person. Wellllllll, that’s kind of a lie. But really, they just laugh at me in person. I don’t know exactly what it is. How I talk maybe? The delivery? Whatever. It’s like they don’t take me serious sometimes because of it. I’m angry, they think it’s hilarious. I pout; they just kind of go ‘awwwww’.

I apparently just don’t know when to stop talking. I run my mouth and I realize that I am shooting myself in the foot as I continue to speak but I just don’t stop.

And I even dislike it when I keep talking about myself. I am not conceited. But I just keep talking about myself. Because I like to know what people think about me. I’m insecure about things I guess. And I like people’s honest imput on things. How am I supposed to improve or tone down the craziness if I don’t have the data from people to let me know one way or the other?

I mean, I am not stupid. I realize things. Like how this is just an annoying teen-like post that is really only useful for me because I need to verbalize my thoughts sometimes and get them off my brain.

And personally I feel I only really know what I am truly thinking when I put things into words. Because I am usually very careful in how I put things. Because the right words really make the difference sometimes.

This is just how I learn about myself it seems. I just talk to myself and it seems like I figure things out that way.

If you read this, welllll you are never getting those few minutes back. EVER. my bad haha.

Just an after thought.

I shouldn't have gotten so irratated.
It isn't very rational.
I mean, I probably only would have been there another hour with him.


But I think it is because I fear our friendship has an experation date.





I'm probably just being crazy.
It's late. I should be sleeping.
People suck.


Happy Birthday Christian.

Angry blogging time.

So, my friend Addison and I are becoming friends again. For reals this time. Which is wonderful. I've actually been probably way too excited about this, but whatever, it's nice.


But it is awkward to hangout if we have nothing to do. And there isn't much around here to really do.

Trust me.

So, we have discovered that hanging out at Starbucks is a good activity for us.
We sit. We drink hot beverages. We talk. We play with newspapers.

I enjoy it.
I like hanging out with him.
I like talking with him.




And for the first time in like two years I feel like we are friends again.




Which is kind of a big deal to me.
Because it sucked hard core when he stopped being my friend.



Now here is where I am glad nobody I know actually knows about this blog.
But at this point; I don't give a fuck.



Addison texted me to hangout this afternoon.
So, we went to Starbucks haha.


It wasn't anything particularly exciting about it. I was just enjoying hanging out with him.

But then Natalie had texted me the night before saying we were finally going to hangout today. But she hadnt contacted me all day and it was like 8pm when she finally talked to me. And then only after I texted her first. So. Yeah.

And yeahhhh, I haven't seen her since I'd been home.
And I just wanted her and Marckus to come chill with us at Starbucks for a bit. Then if she wanted we could go to my house and chill or whatever.

Right? Not unreasonable.

But she just didn't want to go to Starbucks.
Even though it is ridiculously close to her house.
She wouldn't come.


And all I wanted to do was hangout there with Addison.
That's it.


And me, being the idiot that I am, was telling Addison about how Natalie and I were supposed to hangout and how she didn't want to hangout at a coffee house and blah, blah, blah.


And I realize that he was just trying to be nice or whatever, but he kept telling me that he would drive me home. And to go hangout with Natalie.

To which I kept replying 'No'


No.

No.

No.


Ugh.




Then eventually he made me go home.

Which, honestly, I am still kinda annoyed about.
I was so annoyed earlier. whoa.


I mean, it was already like 10:30 ish and due to the fact he was semi making me go home; I was fucking annoyed. And at that point didn't want Natalie to come over.


And I have been in a pissy mood ever since.
So, yay.


Fuck. I am such a child.
This is just kinda upsetting me.
And I don't know if it is upsetting me because I got so pissy or if I am upset because I am still pissed. ugh.




I even pouted the whole way to my house.
Oh geez.
Arms crossed in my red panda sweater.
Pouting like a five year old.



Wow.


Eh, I was unhappy.
And wanted to make that clear.

This is silly but, a mile-stone.

I have had those texts in my phone for over a year.

I couldn't delete them
...for some reason.


Even though I was over everything.

I just, kept them.



Maybe as proof.
That I didn't imagine things.







But tonight.

I hit delete.




And I felt nothing.
And that feels good.

It's been a weird morning.

This is not my fault.
I am just impatient.
Really, really impatient.

I am five years old, that is my mantra.

Talk to me! Talk to me! Talk to me!
That's all that I want.

I just....
want to hangout
and talk.


Is that too much to ask?




And it seems that I get texts from everyone beside the one person I want to text me.
Isn't that always the case? haha.

This is nothing. Don't worry about it.

So, recently my friend and I had a rather long talk about stuff and he was like describing this cool concept of like The Five Languages of Love or something. He was saying the five things are (in not particular order)
Touch
Service
Time
Gift giving
And compliments

He said people generally have a main two or three
And he was making me guess his three
And he puts them in order.
So, I guessed Time, and that was #2
And then he told me to guess his #1 and he said that it's #1 but he is very reserved about it.
It was touch, which I guess.
And I think the other was service.
But then later when we were saying goodbye but still talking about a couple things.
He like gave me a hug.
And proceeded to start laughing to himself, which he does a lot.
And I was like, "what?"
He said, "did you know you have only initiated like 2 hugs between us?"

Cause I'm not much of a 'touch' person
Not that I don't like hugs and junk.
But I don't initiate them generally.

But if his #1 is touch and he hugs me..... does that mean anything?
?!
Ya know?
I think he likes me, but he just.... can't admit it, or doesn't want to, or something.
And like tonight, when we were disscusing junk, and concepts he was like... tapping my leg at points and my shoulder..... and I DONT KNOW IF THAT MEANS ANYTHING!!

Ugh.

It is really annoying.
Because he is like, "You are going to be thinking about things tonight and not going to be able to sleep right away, I know it. Blah, blah, blah."
And I am a stubborn jerk and say "nu-uh" like a five year old

But it is SO true. And that annoys me too haha.

Basically, he annoys the crap outta me.
But I just can't wait to argue again later....
But he is always in stack 2, talking with stupid people

Ughhhhh

And he hardly comes over here because I was being weird the day after halloween party and kept texting him more then I normally would and I just needed to be normal
And I couldn't that day and he kinda ignored/avoided here for a while.
But things are pretty much back to normal.

I just shouldn't .... eh whatever.... it just sucks.
Because ....
But at the same time....
And that is annoying as well.

But even though we argue and annoy each other and believe totally different things, I feel like we click and kinda get along dispite that or because of that maybe. idk.

I don't need peace.
Or to be friends with Jesus.
Jesus can suck it.
Yeah.
End rant.

What the fuck.

I am SO tired.
All I want to do is nap, I need to nap.
I got zero sleep last night and I need to study for my linguistics test tomorrow and my stupid film group doesn't text me about anything expect at the very last second.
And they have planned to film, tonight.
Of course.
I hate them.

But right now, all I can't think about is why the fuck is my stupid roommate pissed at me?
I have no idea what I "did"
Or didn't do, or said or whatever.
She has sleep somewhere else the last two days and has been completely ignoring me for three.
And for seemingly no reason.

I can't think of anything I did.
She is just being really fucking immature and childish, and if she has a fucking problem with me, SAY SOMETHING.

But nooooooooooo.... she can't do that.
Because she is dumb.

If you can't tell, I'm a little peeved.
Just a wittle.

You don't know this, but I just rolled my eyes.

Yeah....


See, and what is going to happen is I am going to text her asking "whatthefucks up with you?" which I shouldn't have to do.

Like, literally, I can't think of anything that I did to put her dumb yoga pants in such a twist.




Whatever. I am going to take a nap and ignore her for another day.
People are dumb.

Halloween Explanation part 1

First off, I hope nobody I know ever reads this.
But I feel the need to document this shittt.
So. Here. I. Go.


You know, I was so excited for Halloween weekend.
I had spent money on a slutty costume. Money.
I was Princess Peach :)

And Natalie was going to spend the weekend, well, I had to twist her arm to get her to come up for ONE day but whateverrr.

But anywho, we planned a little par-tayyy
And it was fun. Sour Green Apple Pucker.
I was having fun, I've never played King's Cup before.
But we forgot to get ice.
And so Nick, Natalie and I went to Haggen to get ice and more soda.

I am just going to be honest right now, I have had a ya know.... crush on Nick for a while. Ya know, whatever. I mean, just a little one. But I know he is like crazy religious and whatever so I just think of him as being gay and it is such a tragic waste. And that has been that.
But, I dont know. He like, carried my bags from Haggen. And stupid little things like that, that probably dont actually mean anything.

Ughhhhhh.....

I don't even want to tell this story anymore.

This is just making me kinda upset for some reason.

I just.... want to say something.

I regret it now. I'll most likely still regret it later.



Actually, I'll probably regret it more.



I sent it anyway.

This is probably stupid; but...

I hit the keys. I type the words.
I think I mean them;

I don't know anymore.



I stop.
I stare.

I edit.



I don't send it.


I cry.



But that's okay.

...

I don't think I'll be able to come back next year....



What does that mean for me now?
What do I do with that?

Just ignore me right now.

It's easier for me to be mad, then remember the good stuff.
Because when I think about that stuff, and take myself to that place....

I just get so sad.
And I don't like to cry about shit.

But all I can think is;
That is gone.
And things wont ever be the same.

Which is fine. I understand and I'm honestly fine with that.

But it doesn't mean I don't get sad.
You know?
I can miss things sometimes.




Do you miss me? Do you care?
Did I mean anything?
I just shouldn't have let myself care. It's stupid to care about people.


People suck.

"Who's Nate??"

First off. ^ haha

Okay.

Soooo....
Myself and a couple friends went to this house party tonight.
Which was fun, I enjoyed it. Talked with some decent people, it was cool.
But one of my friends got drunk.
Which is completely fine.
But I was completely sober. (Which is also fine, that's not a complaint or anything haha)
And so, I was helping her by finding her keys in her purse and unlocking her door. Like a good friend who doesn't want her to get caught by an RA while she is giggling in the hallway.
But I felt she had another Mike's in her purse (which was her's and so, of course she was taking it back to her room).
But from a past experiance, and due to the fact that she kept saying she wasn't tired and such, I felt she may have wanted to drink it.

And I felt that was a bad idea.
a) She was already out of it.
b) Her roommate was trying to sleep.

And so, I took it out of her purse and just stuck it in her desk drawer. Because then she'd find it tomorrow (or I'd tell her).

Just trying to be a good friend.




But I'm pretty sure right now she is ticked off with me.
For "going through her purse" and hiding it (?)

Because she knew it was gone and then accused me of taking it (rightfully so. Kudos to that) and so when I came back to her room to tell her goodnight I told her it was in her desk so she would let me leave.


But I still think she is pissed right now.
Which.... idk.
I was just trying to help.
And tomorrow, if she is still pissed (or if she remembers...)
.....


Idk.
I guess I will reiterate this back to her.
Possible apoligize... if I really need to.
I hope she understands.


But again; I was just trying to good a friend.
So sue me.

so....

I need to met some new people.



Not that the ones in my life aren't cool... I just need some new things to go on in my life at this point.



That is all.

I'm scared.

I've never been so scared.
I don't know how this got so out of control.

I'm scared.
I need to fix this, do something.
But what?
What can I do at this point?

People are bitching about not wanting to come back.
I WANT to come back.
So bad.
But I might not be able to, that's the differance.


And it scares the hell outta me.

Thanks "friend"

I was just hanging out in my friend's room a bit ago and sometimes I'm not sure how comfortable he is chilling alone with me.
But it just got me thinking.


I just miss.... the ease and comfort.
That was nice.
I find myself missing that the most.
It makes me sad.


I just wish.... I got more of an explaination.
Just something simple and honest.
I could have handled that.
I could have accepted that.
I could have dealt with that.

Whatawhore.

At least I have some decent friends.

I don't even know why I'm still wearing this thing.

Some nights I get so sad.
I don't even know exactly why anymore.
I just get sad.
And feel cold.

And alone.

What are the chances though.

You ever have one of those, your-life-is-dismaly-swirling-down-the-toliet moments?
I feel like such a failure.
I just don't know how to function.

I don't even know why I restarted this stupid blog.
I don't want to be talking to it.
I don't actually want you to read this.
So why the fuck is it here?

.... who else am I going to talk to.

I honestly don't want people reading my blog.

It's for me.
Just for me.

Random people won't get it.
People who know me won't get it.
a select few of my friends may slightly understand what I'm going on about. But...

I guess, I have specific ones I wish very specific people would read.
I guess I just hope that if it is out there, even in this vague little hole in the internet, maybe, maybe, they'll read the right one at the right time.

She can draw too?!

So, I got my tablet to work again.
Finally brought it up to my dorm last weekend.
Apparently all I needed was to install a new driver off the website.
I think I need a new pen though.
It's jumpy and fucking annoying. It clicks before I actually touch the pen to the tablet a lot of the time and is driving me insain.

I'll probably order a new pen soon.

But anyways,
I doodled this last night.

While I should have been finishing my history paper that is due today.
I still need to finish it.

It's okay though, it's due by 3pm.
I'm going, I'm going....

"Wait, where did that puppy come from?"

I guess I just want to be there again.

In a warm chair.
Not watching a movie with Christian Bale.

A seemingly endless chess game.
A stupid leather couch...





I wish I could turn up my heater,
My room is cold.

Too cereal.

I think I just get a little too intense sometimes.
Too serious.
Too.... something.


There are times when I just need to step back.
Chill.

Breath.

I'm the King of wishful thinking.

I wish I had written in my journal over the summer.

I wish I had written about you.


But that would probably make things worse for me right now.
Still.

It's hard to summarize.
It's hard to get over my current spite.


Gawd.
What a horrid couple nights.
I'm such a girl.
Fuck.


I don't even know why I'm crying anymore.
Its for me now, ya know.

It's okay; I don't even know.

Was I wrong?
How could I be so wrong.

I guess I just don't cope well with change.
That's not a new notion.
I've done this. Been there.
It sucked then too.


Why is it never my choice?

I feel successful.

I've finally been inside the rec center haha.


Today was kinda a fail.
I didn't even have history.
But I'm glad I walked there anyways ><


:D

And now comes the hard part.

Fuck you.

Fuck him.
Fuck your book.
And fuck two months in Italy.

Two months.

Fuck that cat.
Fuck the violins.
Your grandpa's nice. but still.
Fuck country roads.
Fuck emeralds.

Fuck your phone.
Fuck that photo.
Fuck the stinging in my eyes.
Fuck my tears.

But most importantly, FUCK YOU.

Whataloadofcrap.

Wow.
Are you fucking serious?

Animosity.
That's all I can feel right now.

How fucking annoying.



Suck eggs.

I'm making JELLO :)

Well, I have my second chemistry 122 exam in the morning.
Bright and early at 8am.

Why am I still up?
Good question.

Mainly I was watching Nerimon videos on youtube.
I must say, I <3 Alex Day
I mean;
He is brittish,
He likes Pokemon,
He is in a band....
.... that does songs about Doctor Who!

And he is a remarkable clever, sarcastic atheist.


I think I'm in love haha.



Oh, but why am I still up??....

Since I'm up...

This not being able to sleep thing is really grinding my gears.

Recently some on my friends were chatting in my room about what new ear piecings they wanted. And at the same time they tried to urge me to get something pieced too.

Which actually, I've been considering for a while.
But I'm not sure what.
They both thought getting my cartilage or my second holes would be good.
And since I've heard that your cartilage hurts (not just getting it but it leaves a tender ear for a month or so after....) I'm leaning towards getting a second hole.
And maybe just one.

Although I don't know how I feel about the uneveness yet.

We'll see.


Although Sara gave me a few pairs of earring she had never worn due to the piecing conversation. And to that I have to say,
1. That was wonderfully nice of her
2. I really love these little gold bow earrings. They are very me.

Thank you Sara :)



--------


I had a strange dream a few nights ago that has kinda sat with me the past couple days.
It had some normal, weird, random, only in dreams stuff.
Like when I ran into this kid I've seen on campus but never met/talked to and we had a conversation about Mario games in part of my dream. haha.

But the first part....
Seemed so insignificant in the dream,
.... it happened so fast.

I just got a text/email/Facebook message; something written in any case.
It was a simple enough statement.

But I think it is exactly what I've been wanting to hear.
God, how stupid.
How... ugh.

And yet, perfectly legitament.
Perfectly understandable.

...and somthing that I'm sure I'll never hear.

Not like I should.
Not out of the blue.
Not like in my dream.



I guess I didn't realize it before that dream.


But I'll never say.
I'm a big girl.
I'll be fine.
I'm always fine.


I've got Hersey's kisses :)

From the words a wise man told my friend on the phone.

I skipped History today.
I thought our reading quiz on P.T. Barnum was next Wednesday....
So, I haven't even started reading it yet.
Fail.

Harvest Moon is the shittt.
It sounds like the stupidest game when you describe it to people, but ohmygoodness it is fun haha.
Don't hate.

Speaking of video games;
I really need to refocus on school.
I'm not making it a priority.

This is bad.
I needs to get shit done.
I'm amazed at the amount of nothing I apparently do.
Because all of a sudden I have things to do at the last minute and all I can think is, "Fuck what have I been doing???"

And it's not like I don't know this.
I know this.
I completely understand.
....I'm just not doing anything about it.

And I'm not sure why.




I'm going to go play Harvest Moon.

What's insomnia?

From a seemingly small comment after a small story I got to thinking about blogging again.
And it looks like I may.

But first, I'm transfering all of my old posts from my Myspace blog to here. Because nobody uses Myspace anymore.

Plus I don't want those posts to go to waste.
But it's taking awhile to repost them with the correct time and date.


Ikea here I come.