To summarize.

I think I'm just scared.

Scared, of being hurt.
That's not uncommon. I know.

But it still applies here.




"Why is it never my choice?"


I've said this before.
And it is resonating with me now.


First time around;
It was all of a sudden.
Confusing.
Left clueless.

Plain left.




I hardened.
At least I hope I did.


Second time;
I knew.
I chose.
I forgot.

And I burnt myself.



I won't say worse, but everywhere.

And like a sunburn, it sat there.
Staring at me,
Reminding me,
Taking it's sweet time to go away.


But sunburns aren't like cuts.
Cuts heal.
But they scar.




You can put sunblock on, but how do you stop a knife?







I wanna be the one.
I want to break someone's heart.


Except, I couldn't do that.



....I'll just stay a little scared.

A thought gets placed, and then...

I jump ahead.
I think too much.

Intense.
Intense.

My brain, it screams.



It won't sit still,
to let me dream.

Let's see what tomorrow holds, shall we?

As I read through these old posts, I tear up.
I remember the emotion behind the words.

And some, still hurt.




I give people too much leeway,
too many chances.

I am all about chances.
Not that I don't hold grudges.
Because I can hold a mean grudge too.

But if they wanted to make an effort,
I'd probably drop it to give them a new chance.




I don't know if I feel that is a good thing, or a bad thing...




But some people need to step it up.
I'm tired of the flakiness.



Don't preach shit if you don't take your own advice.

Familiarity.

Sitting comfortably close.
A text at four in the morning.
Jokes at the others expense.

Old stories.
New stories.

Making plans.
Putting your things in my purse.



Sitting silently;
Smiling.

Hmph.

Real experiences allude me.

Allude me and delude me.
Of real knowledge.
Real know how.
Real Stories.

Real life.

I'd like you all to know;

I feel very accomplished right now.
I just gave myself a new haircut.

I am rather pleased with how it turned out
And I feel like a badass :D




That is all for now.
You are dismissed; Good day.

Sometimes...

I fear that I can be quite ridiculous at times.

Yes.
Quite ridiculous.

Egg Shells

I admire Emilie's willpower.

I don't know how she does it.
Willpower man, willpower.



I just... get a little intense sometimes.
And excited about things.

but... a little too early.

I don't know.




I'm walking on egg shells here.

Oh hey, free scone :D

I think...
that I am done with you people for a while.

Just for a while.
I need a recharge,
and some sanity.



I needed tonight.

It was nice.
I'm sad I was home by 11 though.
haha I was soooo bored once I was home.


I like starbucks now.
I never used to.
But now, I like it :)

Now what?

It's been a long week.
And it is going to be a long weekend.

I'm a little nervous to get drunk around you again.
That was so embarassing.


I'm glad I don't remember it...
but still.




But I think I've fixed that problem.
On my end. So I should be good.

... yeah.





Everything is kinda dull right now. Hm.

''dont talk about me''

I was really drunk last night.



And I think I have figured out something.
Or realized something.

I'm done with everybody for right now.


I'm .... just done.





I need to think.
And maybe meet some new people.

So, I was thinking about some stuff today...

And here is what I came up with.



It takes a lot for me to really like someone.

It’s not just a passing fancy for me.

Once I start to like someone, I like them.

And sometimes that is hard for me to get rid of.

Even if I want to…

Even if I should…




That being said;

I don’t think I could handle casual dating.

Or just messing around with someone.

I need attention.

I need to be wanted.

I need to have someone who truely likes me, for me.

And that means all of me.




All the talking.

All the insainity.

All the insults

and the jokes.

My humor,

My wit,

My morals,

My stupidity,

My idiosyncrasies.




My silence.




But I need someone to fill the silence too.

Someone to challenge me, argue with, annoy me,

…share things with me.




So, the question is;




Do you need someone?




… Or do you need me?

Don't look, just don't. You know it doesnt do any good.

'Whatawhore'

Instant mental retort.
Defence mechanism.

But I still feel a slight sting.

Replaced.
I feel a ting of pain and I feel replaced.
And I feel like I never mattered


People suck.


Not that I really care. Because, I don't.
I just kinda hope your life is shitty and nothing goes right for you.

But besides that, I don't give a shit.
And I realize I sound really bitter or something...

...but that is just because I am bitter right now.


Like, seriously??
youstupiddumbassslutfag befuckingoriginalnexttime


As much as I would like not to regret everything.
I do.
I wish all of it never happened. Because you don't matter and I still feel stupid for considering that you might for any amount of time at all.


But whatever.
I am so much better than you.


So much.







Because you, are a dumb bitch.

One More Thing

I think I am going to be less subtle with Nick.

I am putting on hold the whole tell him I like him thing.
Because I feel that saying that wouldnt be benifical right now.



But I may be running out of steam with this one.
I know what you are thinking; This earlier in? Whitney? What?!
I know, I know. Calm yo shit.

But this one is more tiring.
I actually talk with this kid and we are legit friends and idk.
I'm just lazy.


And I can't keep this up forever.






So, I am going to talk and make it more obvious.
But in a Whitney way.
We'll see.


I will keep you posted. (Ha! that's punny! No? Okay...)

First Friday

Tonight was rather crazy.

Ben, the new resident hottie, hung out with Sara and myself today. We went Fred Meyer-ing. I has milk now. Huzzah.

But yeah. He came by again around 8pm or so. And we all took two shots of pucker. Back to back. And the Sara made us all Red-headed Sluts [1 shot peach schnapps, 1 shot jagermeister, and cranberry juice].

I think, that is the most drunk I've ever been.
Like, there was that one night where Sara and I watched Angel Beats with Miles. But I was sitting the whole time and I got a headache, and I don't remember what we drank. But I think it was less.

I was a little tipsy haha.
But still never been drunk.
And proud of it. What.



Then, ohmygosh.
We were chatting on the balcony for a bit because Ben needed a smoke. Bad habit Missouri. And our voices were... carrying, I guess.

And then next thing you know; I hear, "Whittttnnnneeeeyyy" from outside.

AND FUCKING NICK IS OUTSIDE WANTING KEYS!!!




Because, well, see...
I was texting him earlier. Because I painted this awesome picture of the Space Core from Portal 2 for him. And I was trying to find out where he was so that maybe he could come get it, that was my train of thought anyway.
But then like, I was drinking with Sara and Ben.
And I know Nick doesn't like being around that even though that was very chill drinking which is the only kind I enjoy. It all goes downhill from there. Haha.
Amywho. I remember he told me what he was doing and then said "what's up?"
And I remember not wanting to tell him haha. So I think I just said, "hanging out with Sara and Ben" and left it at that and then...


HE FUCKING SHOWS UP OUTTA THE BLUE


Haha I was like freaking out for a second and I very quickly explained why to Ben in the 30 seconds it took for Nick to get up the stairs.

But damn.

He saw me all tipsy haha. Ugh.
But I knew he would not wanna stick around.
We were in the living room for a sec and Sara and Ben were out on the balcony because Sara is a bro and she got my back.
But I was like... stubbling a little haha. And being around the alcohol was making Nick uncomfortable

So, we went into my room and chatted for a couple hours.
Which was nice.
I am actually surprised at how long he stayed.


I don't really know what else to say about this.
I think it was a good chat. Because.... it wasn't all about god and shit.

I brought that up btw.
I was getting kinda done with him for a bit.
Because I felt that we only have long conversations when we are talking about some form of god-ness or religion and that fact was annoying the snot out of me.

Cause, can we have other conversations please?

Damn.

And I was still tipsy at that point and so that is probably why I said it haha.

I don't know. I hope I was more endearing then an annoyance.

But then, why didn't he leave sooner? Right?
I'm sticking with that logic. I like it.





But I was kinda torn. Because Kaeden came over and that Josh guy was here and I kinda wanted to hang out with them for a bit at the begining before they got all drunk and I hide in my room hating life.
But I wanted to hangout with Nick too.

So. I hung out with Nick :)
And he heard me mumble something about wanting to go out there for a sec because I went to say Hi to Kaeden and junk.
He he was like, "go hangout, I'll go"
And I told him, "No, I wanna hangout with you. Stay"

And he did :)

I thought I was going to cry for a minute though. I was talking with Nick about Addison and what was going on over break and Nick was saying "Why don't you just ask him these things? Say that to him?"

Then I had to explain why I couldn't.
Because he hurt me.
And I can't trust him like that now.
I used to tell him... way too much. Everything.
And it killed me later when he dropped me.


... I don't know why I tell Nick all these things sometimes.


I am more reserved nowadays. But still.

I guess, it is as simple as I like talking to him.
And he always answers me honestly.
I like that.


...

Oh geez, the rest of the drunken night story?
After Nick left?

Ahhh man.
Errbody was crazy and a ton of drunk people hugged me and I told Sara something she needed to know but I felt bad telling her anddddddddddd people were still drunk and around and more shit.

The End.

Good night. I am tired.

I'd rather end my night on a high note.

But when I look back at our conversations.....


I smile.


"...you're too cool for me to hangout with haha, I can't handle it."

Haha, I love that I said that.
I don't know what it is.
I feel we have a good dynamic.



I hope that doesn't change.

Ehh

You ever look back at a time in your life and are sickened by yourself?
It makes it worse when you like to keep things, because then you actually have stuff to look back at and remember.
And especially with technology, there are records of past conversations everywhere.

And I am stupid, and I'm reading shit that I know I will hate to read
and remember.

Not for the memories, I'm glad to say, but for the tons of, I-can't-believe-I said-that, shit.

Yeah.

A mind is a terrible thing to waste

My mind is a weird place at night.
Especially when I can't sleep.

It's a dangerous place.


Full of scenarios that will never happen.

Which, just end with me sad.
Because they were nice. Because they are fiction.

Because I want them to be real.







It'd be best if I stopped myself.
But I can't. I am weak.
And deep down, I don't want to.




I'm going to hold out.

For something...



... something real.

Happy New Year

New Year's Eve. Woooo.

I'm not tired. I guess I slept a lot during the day yesterday, but whatever. It's more the fact that I have a lot on my mind.

I don't get people.

They are stupid and make no sense. (Most of the time)



I hate it when people are fake. Or put up an act. Or act differently around certain people. Especially when they are cool to start and then act all douche-y around some of their friends.

And it is rather obvious.

Like, it annoys me to no end. But it also makes me question them. If I can see them putting on a show with those people; how do I know that our interactions aren't just another version of the same fucking sitcom?


And then my problem is, do I talk to said person about this? Are we good enough friends for me to bring this crap up?

I don't know.


- - - -

Another thing,

Now, I'm going to be vague here. Just heads up.
I don't feel like confessing everything to the internet right now. Plus I am slightly paranoid about who might read it. Not that anyone reads this haha. But that's a good thing.

In this chapter, there are some guys.
Guys I like. Guys I want to like me.

Timing. Timing is the issue here.

Do I ask if he likes me? I lose control that way.
Do I tell him I like him? Because I fully believe nothing is going to happen and I tell him this and how I just needed to tell him to get over him.
But knowing myself, I will secretly keep a torch.

Ever hopeful; that's me.


Or are things actually progressing and saying something would ruin everything?


Then there is the, I feel like you like me one.
And I want you to like me. But selfishly.




Ya know, I am never sure who I am writing to on here.
I know I want fucking specific people to read it. But not because I'm like, "Hey, wanna check out my blog? (Hint-hint)" I just want them to find it(?) But nobody just finds this haha.

And then the problem is, if I tell people and I know certain people have access. I can't write honestly. And I have to be vague, Which is annoying to have to work around sometimes.





It has been an interesting New Year's.